You've got to hide your love away

The sole of my shoe was smiling back at me and I suddenly realized that things that are usually right in front of you are the hardest to see.Can I be blamed for spitting in the face of redemption?No more boxes to tick,no more masks that fit me.All I'm left is with myself,misplaced and made out of a crumbly material.Maybe it's just a crash course on being self sufficient and I'm not learning fast enough.Great,another thing I flunck.








"-God....PICK UP THE FUCKIN' PHONE!!!"

I loved your feet.I loved them the most in those moments right before we fell asleep,where all I could hear was your breath and my thumping heart beat.Your little teenage girlfriend feet.

Love?Hate?Ugly?
What's the perfect word to carve into my arm?Your name,maybe?Your initial?What do I allocate the tender,fleshy space between my elbow and my wrist to?

You ripped my heart out with the roots.Somedays I shutter at the idea that I still have a pulse.
Its no big deal.I just wash the blood of my wrists and burry my pittiful lamentations in the middle of my pillow.

For a second I feel as if the Earth is breathing beneath my feet.I'm drifting in and out of reality again.The living room floor opens up into a little crater and I climb in.I slide further and further into silence.My friend Durpin is here.He's smiling.I like it when Durpin smiles.It's so vague and strange it makes me blow a heart shaped spit bubble.It turns people off the way Durpin smiles.Not me.I know what he's thinking.When Durpin was a little boy,he lived in a house with a million rooms.His daddy loved him a lot.He loved him so much he let all his friends give him gifts and take his picture.Durpin didn't like the attention.He shot his daddy one day.

We don't ever give each other gifts.Never.Under any circumstance.

I'm holding my knees up against my chest.My lungs explode with green air.I've never felt this light.Durpin is laughing.Durpin never laughs.

He says he didn't come built with a laugh.Durpin's mom grew up in the circus.She can talk to all sorts of animals.People always think she's awfully strange walking around in that pink bath robe all the time.Taking the dog out,picking up groceries,dentist apointment.It never seemed odd to me.I knew she liked it a lot.And whenever she would lean over to poor me a glass of milk I could feel the lemon grass smell of her skin.I always knew she leaned over just so I can take a wiff.


We're sliding again.He's a lonely as I am.An arctic mess of margerine throws us around a slope.The sky is coloured chalk and the air smell like chocolate pie.Ginger bread pandas and strawberry rivers.Durpin is purple,green,blue with yellow spots.He's laughing again and it's the best song I've heard in years.

I'm forgetting to breathe again.I have as many holes in my shoes as I have in my heart.And I'm still nowhere near from knowing what I want.

My favourite word for today : unrequited

Over,under and around us there's air.Tiny life inside all of us.Armies of blood cells and molecules,working and sweating and running around to make us function.We are 90 percent water.Streams running down the mountain side of our being,transporting essential salts and chemical reactions.We are science.The gift of life spills and fills every crevasse.You would hate living inside your body.A 9 to 5 in your lungs or your liver.You're over worked and under paid with a crummy boss and knee deep in toxic waste of cheese puffs and beer for 8 hours.
God dumped me again.His trash must be over flowing with my messages.
'Dude I just wanna talk.I know you're a busy guy but all I need is half an hour.You owe me.'
Promises don't matter.Love comes built with a reverse button.The world blew a gasket and it's no longer turning.We've lost cabin pressure.Now what?



Get married,have the kids,watch them grow up into teenagers and hate you,die.

In that order.No exceptions.No other stops.No one gets out alive.




You're traveling on the one way road of your existence at 90 miles per hour and all you can worry about is tile pattern for the bathroom.The color of your hard wood floor.Insurance payments,car payments,house payments,credit card bills.Inside you there's a miracle happening with every breath and you're wasting yourself...one tick of the second hand at a time.
If only that tick would end in a boom.
Tiny life inside all of us.
If only it could scream.

One step in front of the other

Cred ca imi doresc o barcuta.Una cu fundul de sticla si fara vasle.Cred ca nu as vrea noptiere.Cred ca as putea sa traiesc fara sertare,compartimente si suprafete pe care sa zaca cutii de pastile goale si pachete fara tigari fara sa le observe nimeni zile intregi.Cred ca as putea sa ma lipsesc si de lada patului.Cred ca ar fi sanatos daca nu as mai avea unde sa ascund sticle si pahare murdare de regrete si mila pentru propria-mi persoana. Cred ca in loc de suflet avem fiecare cate o biblioteca.Rafturi de sus pana jos,dulapuri incuiate,cutii pline cu hartoage,usi pe care atarna semne cu “Accesul interzis”,lacate,carti prafuite,carti noi,carti fara coperti,scrijelite,cu foi lipsa,ingalbenite de timp,jurnale de calatorie,carti cu poze,planta din colt pe care n-o uda nimeni,batranelul cu degetele negre de la cerneala tiparului,domnisoara de 80 de ani de la Imprumuturi si zeci de compartimente cu fise ale cartilor.

Cred ca as vrea sa cred in ceva.Cred ca am luat o decizie buna azi.Cred ca nu le anuleaza pe cele multe/proaste/lasate in spate.Cred ca mai bine de atat nu o sa fie niciodata si ca ar trebui sa multumesc vreunei puteri divine ca exist,dar stiu ca sansele sa se intample asta sunt minime.Credeam ca mi-am reprimat copilaria destul de bine.Cred ca ai apasat butonul gresit si iar am capul plin de mizerii.Ma rog,mai mult decat de obicei.Cred ca degeaba ma ascund.Tu ai toate cheile.

Don't worry,it will only hurt for the next 18 months

There's this door on the side of your hip.It leads directly to the soul.It has a lock on it,a very special lock,one that only you have.The lock has a key,a very special key,one made especially for your lock.You're gonna try a lot of keys along the way.Some will brake,some will jam and some will permanently damage the lock.But the one that was meant to unlock that sucker all along,the one who fits perfectly,the one that you have been waiting for all that time,that one, my friend,will be the one that...


...fucks you up the most,cause you see,you may have tried a lot of keys and they may have left their mark,but that shit was only on the lock,the outside.That's why you have the lock in the first place.To let it suck up the abuse and protect the inside for the motherfuckin' Big Bang off all pain,that you must endure for you are mortal and it is your destiny.
Goddamn all this.Goddamn the green grass and all the stupid birds.Fuck you,Mister Sun,I have blinds on my windows.
And you....











....grow the fuck up,you're too old for this shit.

A boy that is my friend

Se iau:
-o cantitate considerabila de alcool
-o mana de gesturi care nu respecta natura relatiei noastre
-un strop de rivalitate intre prieteni
-cativa hormoni,dupa gust

Se amesteca intr-un spatiu inchis si incomod pana la ingretosare si se orneaza cu o criza de isterie terminata in tasnirea pe usa afara in ploaie.Se pudreaza cu falsa parere de rau si nu se mai vorbeste despre asta niciodata.

Va uram pofta buna!

Ironic

In orasul acesta toata lumea face un efort cand e mult prea tarziu.Un deget
rautacios a apasat butonul de fast forward al timpului si toti cei ce locuiesc
aici se zbat,tintuiti de sfori invizibile .Aici copii cresc in fata
televizorului pentru ca parintii lucreaza pentru viitorul lor.Se pare ca toti
dorm cu capul in jos,in mijlocul zilei,niciodata noaptea.In orasul acesta
reprosurile si regretele sunt un mod de viata general acceptat.





In orasul acesta se fac numai alegeri proaste.

Post idiot

Nu am rostit mai mult de doua cuvinte.Oricum nu ma asteptam sa am sansa nici macar la alea.A tras insetata din tigara si m-a privit.Un ghemotoc de ganduri s-a tarat lenes pana la limita constientului si s-a trantit de sus ca un adolescent cu castile in urechi pe ultimul scaun liber din autobuz.Imi e sincer groaza de ce o sa spuna , dar din nu stiu ce motiv nu reusesc niciodata sa tradez sentimente de genul asta.Sunt incapabila sa par demna de mila.Poate data viitoare o sa vin cu o capcana de urs atasata jucaus de gamba dreapta.Simt ca se pregateste de o polologhie interminabila.Cumva simt vibratiile furiei ce o mistuie si stiu ca o sa-mi toarna o lista cat o zi de post cu toate lucrurile care o enerveaza la mine.O sa inceapa cu disparitiile constante si cu lipsa totala de interes fata de persoana ei de-a lungul relatiei.Continutul va cuprinde o serie de lipsuri fizice si morale,pentru ca la sfarsit sa imi spuna ca sunt retardata emotional sau proasta la pat si sa ma trimita in organul reproducator al mamei mele.Fugar imi trece prin minte frustarea personala asupra proastei impresii pe care o fac oamenilor la prima vedere.Oare cum resusesc sa par o bruta nemiloasa de abia tarata din grota nesimtirii de fiecare data???
Undeva in adancul sinelui,intr-un loc intunecat si prafuit stiu ca sunt o persoana buna.Ar fi extraordinar sa pot arata lucrul asta macar intr-o cantitate infima,sa port pe chip macar o doza de umanitate.Intr-un moment de luciditate realizez ca iar privesc in gol si imi revin brusc.Privirea ei tinteste spre mine cu pistolul imaginatiei.Poate ca un glont nu ar fi asa de rau.Poate ca o gaura din care sa se reverse fluidele vitale m-ar invata minte o data pentru totdeauna.Timpul se taraseste in continuare si ea tace.Ma priveste si tace fara sa grabeasca securea calaului.




De parca ar putea sa-mi faca rau in vreun fel...

SEMANA DE PELICULAS NOIR

Mă iubeşti necondiţionat ,dar nu poţi decît sa mă compari.
Mă iubeşti curat ,dar nu poţi fi fericită.
Mă iubeşti si atît,dar nu mă cunoşti.
Mă iubeşti sincer,dar nu îmi cunoşti mizeria sufletului.
Mă iubeşti(măcar atît),dar eşti prea egoist sa o arati.
Mă iubeşti complet,dar "My hands are tied/My body bruised, YOU'VE got me with/Nothing to win and/Nothing left to lose".


Vreau o camera galbenă si o saltea pe podea.
Mă gandesc la viitorul dedicat simplitatii de fiecare data cînd descopăr
cu degetele marginea pervazului.
Mi se pare haios cat gunoi am adunat in mine.Sunt ca pubela ecologică:plină de tot felul de cacaturi care n-ar trebui sa fie acolo.
Azi,mai mult ca oricand,ma doare fiecare palma,fiecare sarut,fiecare cuvant nespus,fiecare cuvant in plus,fiecare prieten pierdut.Maine,mai mult ca oricand,o sa ma doara altele.

I am Jack's complete lack of incentive

Azi m-am gandit la pere,la luna si la noi.M-am gandit ca noi nu avem o reclama.
Stiai ca sunt 28 de oase in piciorul uman?


Azi m-am gandit de 23398437539453849 de ori la numarul tau de telefon.M-am gandit la rasul ala disperat,aproape de sufocare.
Azi m-am gandit ca peste 2 saptamani si doua zile o sa am 19 ani.M-am gandit că in fiecare an pe vreme asta ma gandesc ca nu merg inainte si nu realizez nimic.


Azi m-am gandit la toate fetele pe care le-am sarutat.M-am gandit ca as vrea sa le dau cate o chifteluta.Macar atat dupa ce le-am distrus vietile.


I thought about it and here it is:you are van Gogh yellow and this song.

Step one:one day at a time.

I'm sticking feathers up my but

Te-am inchis intr-o cutie rosie si ti-a placut.Altfel nu-mi pot explica cum de nu ai rupt-o la fuga cand am "uitat" capacul deschis intr-o dimineata.
Te-am gasit desculta pe podeaua murdara.
Nici sa te ghemuiesti n-ai indraznit.















Cand o sa crestem vom locui intr-un palat de smantana si in fiecare zi o sa-ti
sarut varfurile firelor de par.



















Ai aschii rosii sub unghii si locul de unde m-am rupt miroase urat.
In fiecare zi rup fasii lungi din coaja de deasupra.

An imaginary friend in need is an imaginary friend indeed

Fim este mai putin de o idee.
Fim e un punct de materie in varful unui pix.
Fim nu poseda respect de sine.
Fim este caracterizat prin sedentarism adus la rang de arta.
Fim este neputincios in fata propriei sorti.
Fim nu se distinge nici macar prin culoarea ochilor.
Fim e dureros de obisnuit si Fim stie dar lui Fim nu ii place sa recunoasca.
Fim isi cunoaste in detaliu defectele dar prefera sa le ignore dominat de narcisismul caracteristic.
Fim este de parere ca soarele rasare din propriul dos.
Fim isi ucide linistea analizand in exces.
Fim isi saboteaza fericirea constant.
Fim e nesigur,lenes si prost,oportunist si incapabil sa spuna adevarul.
Fim n-ar stii ce e bine pentru el nici daca l-ar musca de cur,de aceea Fim e mereu nefericit.
Fim nu isi poate depasi conditia pentru ca nu vrea.
Fim isi cauta mereu scuze.